Sadness is almost like an aphrodisiac. The more we indulge in it the more addictive it becomes.
I realised that I had abandoned so many parts of myself because I was told that that was what I needed to do.
What were the forces that asked me to abandon those parts of myself? What inspired me to abandon those parts of myself?
The only answer I have is because those feelings and emotions were not allowed in the metaphysical and theoretical house that I had built in myself with the help of other people around me as I grew up. It was more that they shut out these parts of me for me and made sure that I also wouldn’t be able to see them, or have them as I grew up.
The things that were not allowed included a bunch of things: Mostly, they were related to feeling my emotions. And why didn’t the adults in my life want me to feel those emotions of mine? All the things that I was allowed to feel seemed to be dependent on external achievements, or dependent on some external sort of self, which seemed to be the only area that I was allowed to develop.
So it feels as if I had to keep a lot of stuff truly hidden. Things like being kind or being nice to myself, or allowing the part of me that can play and find things to play flourish. There were these internal characteristics that became irrelevant, which are in some ways a compass to happiness. There were qualities that I didn’t have in myself, which remained dormant for a very long time. In fact, I didn’t know that they existed.
I was taught to drag a carcass of a body around. Those seven years with my grandparents saved my life.