Month: February 2024

I think I experience love and attention as a type of burden.

I’ve always loved these *very* dark types who could hurt me on an intrinsic level. They are the ones who made the deepest connections with my heart. They can and could at turns make me feel scared, lonely, depressed, self-hating, and deeply doubtful of who I am.

Why am I so attracted to these people? I had my therapist say that people who can hurt me was home, it was what I was the most intimately familiar with; anyone stable felt like a threat. That intersection of pain and pleasure was and still sometimes, can be so delicious to me. I think what was addictive about this process was the more it hurt, the more it motivated me to keep trying to please that other person, thereby making it a vicious cycle, true and addictive.