Now that I look at it, it’s as if being rebellious is and was a good trait.
It’s often seen that rebellion or some such should be silenced, but there is something that is much more real. I stopped using my sexuality and other methods of coping when I realised it was a trauma response. I didn’t really understand much that was going on as it was going on inside me, but I did realise that something had shifted.
What was it that had shifted?
I guess it was when I realised that sadness was so over-rated. I had dwelled in sadness for so much of my life. My grandmother had become a totem, a lightning rod where I could dissipate all the sadness. I had made her a couple to my sadness. But what she gave me was something astounding: it was her example of kindness that had been illustrated over time.
All of her ex-colleagues whom I had met when they were alive told me of her kindness. One old man got his promotion because of my grandmother, and another was given a flower at her time of greatest need. These are the people who remembered her and told me about this afterwards, when they were old men and women. Her kindness was a feature, not a bug.
And for that, I feel, I can forgive her and my family for any of the mistakes that they have made with me.