You have an instinct to keep fighting for those who aren’t fighting for you. This tells me that you have experienced a deep rejection, a primal hurt, and that it caused your body so much pain that you will do basically anything to avoid feeling that way again. You got burned once by a hot stove, and you don’t want to touch it again. You want to avoid being left behind, to avoid pain. The problem is, life comes with a lot of rejection.
From Refinery29.
I feel like this primal rejection has always existed for me.
Always being attracted to unavailable men (and women) is a no-brainer for me. In fact I have to actively find a way to be attracted to safe people. There are often cues for me to be attracted to people who are not safe, as if they are the only option for me, really. I seemed to be only attracted to conditional love, and for a long time I had absolutely no idea what unconditional love was. I didn’t know what it looked, what its nose ears and mouth were.
It took a lot of work later on in life to figure out how to love myself, and I had to accomplish that as an adult just by herself. I don’t believe that if it wasn’t accomplished in childhood then it cannot be accomplished during adulthood, even if that was once what I believed. But with the good fortune of meeting so many people leading me down so many paths, I realised that that having a broken childhood doesn’t mean I don’t get a full adulthood.