so during the coronavirus i had an online therapy session yesterday.
she explained to me the feeling i had of being dirty, where did this feeling come from?
the wall street journal had called China ‘the sick man of Asia’ during coverage of the Coronavirus.
all of this sickness seems to have melded into me.
what happened when i was a child, which meant that showing someone something of myself would lead to myself being abandoned? my mother was here visiting her mother in Jinan just after the Spring Festival. I knew the virus was starting but didn’t warn her not to come (how could I do that? I’m not psychic) and she came anyway.
over a week or more of panic and closeness where we were in daily contact i thought we had gotten close. It turned out maybe we hadn’t, because when she skipped over Beijing during a time of my most unhappy and perhaps fearful time she had decided not to see me. Then i had three crappy days when i thought i had been infected by the virus. (when i hadn’t)
What was it that had happened which meant that i had to hide a part of myself, where if i told her how i really felt, i would be abandoned, taken away, rejected, that primal fear of being rejected.
Oh, and did I say that I am a magnet for this kind of person?