Month: February 2020

dark daddy

Who is the man who I’m constantly attracted to?

Don Draper has a drinking problem, and his drinking problem is supported by his partners. It’s only because they support this drinking problem that they are even in the relationship in the first place.

I had a friend who when I ate lunch with at a Cantonese restaurant told me that my attraction to the dark types will disappear once I’ve made my peace with the archetype- which probably means, my father.

But why is the darkness so sweet and so tempting? falling into it feels delicious. And what are the times and reasons that we fall into it, willy-nilly?

georgia/beijing

currently watching the Netflix series Chef’s Table, This Georgian woman went back to Georgia after moving to NYC with her parents when she was 11. Her parents thought that things would be better in New York, but somehow she changed her mind.

For a long time she wondered what she was doing there; in Georgia, where the pace of life was slow.

But she discovered something that she wouldn’t have discovered if she’d stayed in New York.

It’s more difficult being back in Georgia- it’s backwards, people don’t understand it. It’s constantly on her mind, too.

dirt

so during the coronavirus i had an online therapy session yesterday.

she explained to me the feeling i had of being dirty, where did this feeling come from?

the wall street journal had called China ‘the sick man of Asia’ during coverage of the Coronavirus.

all of this sickness seems to have melded into me.

what happened when i was a child, which meant that showing someone something of myself would lead to myself being abandoned? my mother was here visiting her mother in Jinan just after the Spring Festival. I knew the virus was starting but didn’t warn her not to come (how could I do that? I’m not psychic) and she came anyway.

over a week or more of panic and closeness where we were in daily contact i thought we had gotten close. It turned out maybe we hadn’t, because when she skipped over Beijing during a time of my most unhappy and perhaps fearful time she had decided not to see me. Then i had three crappy days when i thought i had been infected by the virus. (when i hadn’t)

What was it that had happened which meant that i had to hide a part of myself, where if i told her how i really felt, i would be abandoned, taken away, rejected, that primal fear of being rejected.

Oh, and did I say that I am a magnet for this kind of person?

Add title

A greasy page of my diary from April 11, 2015

The first part of this reads:

“Apparently it is very safe to fly. On the way back it is better than going. When you think about it flying is kinda crazy, a little tube going through the air. aI have the habit of writing things down during the flight. I have been flying international routes yearly since I was seven; the average journey has been ten hours. What unconscious impact has this had for the last 21 years.”