Anxiety / secrets

Wrong to say I wish she would die already?

Does anyone know what it’s like to switch their phone on and off, on and off all the time in case it beeps?

Realistically and also psychologically, for 32 years?

I only learned how to love 3 or 4 years ago from Joel. At the pub, at Beiping Machine.

When I was 16 my grandfather died and nobody told me. For weeks I rang back to Beijing every week, because my dad and his wife had taken a trip to Beijing, packed their suitcases and said LIED that it was because my father had a bad tooth. Now, 16 years later, the lies that they told are still reverberating through my life.

When my aunt (the elder one) sat on the bed of my then-boyfriend (who had graduated from Beijing’s No. 4 Middle School and was a Beijinger), it was actually the lower of a bunk-bed, she laid out things from the funeral: I don’t remember a lot of them because my head had gone in a spinning wheel, a pitch dark of blackness, and I had blacked out.

I blacked out for about ten minutes, or more.

I’m not kidding. I blacked out.

This is all I can write about this for now…

To be continued